


That Joke isn't Funny Anymore

by MadCatta



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, leading up to season 8 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 04:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/974220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadCatta/pseuds/MadCatta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So it goes, that Sam fucks up and Dean lets him down, because he’s let down by Sam and loses faith in Sam. Dean’s always had faith in Sam, Sam knows he’s Dean’s raison d'être. </p><p>There's nothing to hold Sam up, any more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Joke isn't Funny Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Smiths' "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore".
> 
> And find me on [tumblr ](http://sammygrosschester.tumblr.com/)I'm really cool

When he was fifteen, he swore at his father for the first time. Sam remembers it well, remembers the fury and the fire, and mostly importantly he remembers the “Fuck you, you fucking douchebag!” that burst out of his mouth.

That was the first night his father had hit him across the face. Dean had rushed in at that, of course, standing between the two and telling them both to calm the fuck down. That Sam – Sammy, as Dean always called him – had no right to say what he’d said, Dad was trying his best and times were fucking tough and that wasn't Dad's fault, and Dad does not fucking lay a hand on Sammy. 

Dean gets a palm to the face for what he said too, but later in their room, Dean tells Sam that he couldn’t help himself, he was seeing red, no one gets to fucking touch you like that, Sammy, not even him. ‘Him’, like he’s Lord fucking Voldemort, not that Harry Potter was a thing by then. Dean never said a bad word against Dad, he had no greater heroes than John Winchester. 

At eighteen, he’s left home. He told his father everything, everything wrong with their lives, everything wrong with him. 

And at eighteen he’s abandoned by the person he’s had more faith in than anyone. Sam’s a believer, a good believer that God is just, that things happen for a reason and that God gives a damn. What Sam believes in more than God? That his brother will come through for him, that Dean will fight vampires and werewolves, Dad and bullies, evil and good, to keep Sam his. 

Dean is Sam’s, and Sam is Dean’s, and that was Dad’s fault. 

He’d made them so damaged, so co-dependent – hell, Sam hadn’t really realized how bad they were until he went to college, until he saw what most siblings did for each other and that they could survive without the other.

And that maybe Dean wasn’t the superhero Sam thought he was, because superheroes do what’s right, and what’s right sure as hell ain’t letting your dad kick out your little brother because he got into college. 

Dean is Sam’s, and Sam is Dean’s, and Dean let him go. Worse than that, he allowed Dad to come between them, allowed Dad to cut ties that weren’t his to cut. 

So Sam never called, never made contact with Dean other than a drunk dial or two – but Dean did it more than he did. It worried Sam sometimes, how often Dean seemed to get completely smashed and call his little brother (because he had no one else to call). 

Dean is Sam’s and Sam is Dean’s and Dean shouldn’t have made that stupid fucking deal, didn’t he realize they’d meet in heaven one day anyway and have eternity? (No, Dean never believed in Heaven because God took his mom and his mom taught him God was great, and great people don’t take moms away.) Sam tried to make a stupid fucking deal of his own, to get back what he owned, what he needed, but it didn’t work. 

But then he was betrayed again, and again. And Sam fucked up, he knew he fucked up and he admitted to his fuck ups. He’d never intended for it to go so badly – but then he’d never intended for Jessica to get hurt, had he? 

So it goes, that Sam fucks up and Dean lets him down, because he’s let down by Sam and loses faith in Sam and Dean’s always had faith in Sam, Sam knows he’s Dean’s raison d'être. 

When he’s in his late twenties, he loses his soul and he doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about a thing, and it’s nice after so long of such weight on his being.

And finally, a few years later, after Sam has let Dean down yet again, he’s not good enough he’s never been good enough, not for his dad who should love him unconditionally, not for his mom because she died because of him, not good enough for Dean, and even Dad was good enough for Dean, Sam’s granted with the power to save the world, in sorts, and die doing it. 

He only hopes he’ll go to heaven, because he cannot withstand another eternity in hell, he just can’t do it.


End file.
